I dreamed you

I dreamed about you last night
You were kissing me in front of your mother
Like you didn't care
You were still slightly mad at me
But we were on our way to becoming better
Then I woke up
And I was really
Really
Sad

Shards of wanting...

I want to be covered in tattoos and shards of glass.
I want to be deeply tanned and lay in the sun all day.
I want to have money for traveling and new piercings that make a popping noise when they go through your skin.
I want to live in a beautiful apartment overlooking something mind-blowing.
I want to be inspired all the time and take amazing photographs.
I want beer and rum to be cheap.

But all this doesn't matter, beacause what I really want is him.

I want you, handsome man.

But I am just a silly princess brat with silly sparkly dreams.

Wanting something doesn't mean you should get it.

Mind seizures.

I'm trying my hardest not not freak out and run over there at the speed of light.
Because if I see him with her, it will be the end of me.
I want so badly to make this better.
But I can't because he won't call me back.
I've been on the brink of tears all day.
I need to speak with him and see him.
Please god.
Let this turn out.
I know I made some serious, huge, unforgivable mistakes.
But I realize this and I want to make it better.
I am not easy to handle.
I know this.
Men don't know what to do with me.
And I purposefully push people away so I can see who stays for real.
He did.
And not only did he put up with all my shit, he loved me for exactly who I am.
I don't think I'll find that again.
Please let this work out, I'm going to fight for this.
I don't think I've scared him off for real.
Maybe I still have a chance.

Christmas 2010

My sister got a "promise" ring from her boyfriend.
It's a real diamond.
This time last year I actually had a boyfriend.
I can say that I'm slightly jealous and resentful.
I asked him to call me today if he could.
He did.
I don't think he would have if I hadn't asked.
He called from work.
I was happy to hear his voice.
I was sad that we have fallen so far.
I saw him at a party the other night.
I was torn between feeling overwhelmingly sick and sad and compleately nonchalant.
I think I was only okay because Justin was there with me.
This day is full of good memories that make me very sad.
Thus they turn into sad memories.
Please let the new year be better.
My heart can't stand anymore heartbreak.

Broken is a good word for right now.

I feel broken
I did this to myself though
I'm a hypocritical princess brat
And I should have seen this coming
What did I think?
That I could go off and do whatever I wanted and it wouldn't come back around?
He's moved on
I haven't
And that's silly and sad and pathetic
I wonder what's she's like
I feel like crying and dying
In a little ball under my bed
I want to stay in bed forever and never face this again
My heart just shattered
But now I know how it feels
Feels horrible
I did this to myself
But I still feel like I'll never recover from this
I'm a sad princess brat and Prince Charming will never come back again because I was a
C U N T
Go me.

What I Am And What I Do.

Makes a boy wana bite his lip
So young and wasted, I can almost taste it
Beautiful but obsessed with gloom
Bleached
Bones so fair
Glamour is a rocky road
The devil does drugs
It's just the beasts that live under your bed
These legs don't run
Can your bunny do the dog?
Punk candy
Ginger Snapzz
Untamed
Girl ain't nothing but trouble
Rainy day pudding
A fair witch project
Love my bones
My facade is just a cake
Fourteen french summers
Lost my heart to a starship trooper
Pumpkin peach pie fuzz
Hell raiser, star chaser
Miss unamerican
A cupcake, a milkshake, a cool whip
Peachster
Heart of chrome

Waking up for breakfast
Burning matches
Talking quickly
Breaking baubles
Throwing garbage
Drinking soda
Looking happy
Taking pictures
So completely stupid
Just go away

There's no home for you here girl, go away

Obviously you are so insecure and paranoid, you jump to the dumbest conclusions I have ever fucking heard.
The world doesn't revolve around you and everything you want.
Get over yourself, you are no princess.
Go ahead and talk smack if it'll make you feel better!
It just makes you look like a baby.
You must really be insane.
Jesus, this whole thing of bullshit just makes me roll my eyes.
Fucking pathetic.

Goodbye

I'm leaving Portland in 2 days. I can't believe it. I'm more than sad.
7 months in this wonderful, horrible, crazy, exhillerating place.
It's home now and I'm going to bawl like a baby when I leave.
I don't want to go back to Humboldt.
It's the limbo between homes.
I left bad memories and bad people there.
I just want to move onto San Fransisco.
Evan left tonight and I almost cried.
Doose leaves tomorrow morning and I probably will cry.
Thank God, I leave before Tessa and Amy.
I couldn't stand being the last one, going from room to empty room, remembering.
At points I hated being here with all that I am.
But I wouldn't trade all this for the world.
I have met great, inspiring, life changing people.
And I will miss them dearly.
Goodbye home.
I will come back.

Dark shadowed figure

You are the reason I'm scared of the dark
You are the reason that I can't look strangers in the eye
You are the reason I'm "antisocial" and I hide in my room all day
You are the reason that I'm scared to death
of everything
I'm tired of being scared
People like you should be shot
If you ever touch my friends or my baby sister,
I'll kill you with my bare hands
I'll learn to be strong
I'll be okay being scared
But don't fuck up anyone else's life
You have already tried to ruin mine

He's using you again
And you know it,
Deep down in your heart.
Please stop yourself this time.
Your heart can't take much more of this.

Keeping On.

My little cricket friend that I found in my room 4 months ago keeps coming back.
I put him in the laundry room, hoping he will get outside.
But I guess it's cold out there.
He likes my room.
He only has one leg.
When I first found him,
I felt bad.
He was so little.
And only one little weak back springing leg.
I thought he would die.
I was so sad.
He was precious and I didn't want him to die.
But now, his body is huge, not skrawny anymore.
And his once weak little springing leg is big and buff.
He gets around just fine.
His name is Jasper.
The strongest at heart survive.
I'm proud that I still see him around.

OverUsed

My ribs feel broken
My back stretched beyond repair
I breath in and the ache reaches my shoulders
My hips pound
My thighs still shake

Little white pill help me out
Better get on
Making me feel
Numb