Games Played, Lessons Learned

You played chess in my rib cage.
You finally won by snatching the Queen of Hearts.
Then you threw it away.
And then knocked over your own king.
You won and then quit.
You didn't really want it.

You held me right before I went on my next adventure.
You said all those beautiful, special things to me.
Things you knew I would believe.
Things you knew that I would stay awake over and dwell on and and smile and swoon over.

You promised we would start talking again.
And I believed you.
I call, you send me to voicemail.
Every.
Time.
I can count the rings and know when I will hear,
"If you would like to leave a message..."

It's killing me inside.
You have taken everything from me because I let you.
I wanted so badly to believe that you ment those touches and looks.

This has to be my final goodbye.
It's just too hard.
I deserve better.
My brain doesn't sleep at night, clicking and tinking away.
I'm exhausted.
I've graduated from the class of you.
With honors.
I'm an expert.
I should write books, hold seminars.
Teach others.
Tell them to be very cautious.

I played in the Minors and was destroyed.
Now I've practiced for seasons and seasons.
And I'm ready for the Majors.
Without you.

Train Song-Feist

Travelling north, travelling north to find you
Train wheels beating, the wind in my eyes
Don't even know what I'll find when I get to you
Call out your name love, don't be surprised

It's so many miles and so long since I've left you
Don't even know what I'll find when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It's many hundred miles and it won't be long

Nothing at all, in my head, to say to you
Only the beat of the train I'm on
Nothing I've learned all my life on the way to you
One day our love was over and gone

It's so many miles and so long since I've met you
Don't even know what I'll say when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It's many hundred miles and it won't be long

What will I do if there's someone there with you
Maybe someone you've always known
How do I know I can come and give to you
Love with no warning and find you alone

It's so many miles and so long since I've met you
Don't even know what I'll find when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It's many hundred miles and it won't be long

It won't be long
It won't be long
It won't be long
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVVGHkE--XI

As much as I love this song and it's practically exactly what's going on in my life and how I feel, I have to say goodbye for my own sanity. Maybe one day.

January 30, 2011

I'm annoyed today.
No new blogs to read.
Stupid boys breaking my heart.
Stupid girls continuing to be stupid...seriously annoying.
It's my grandma's birthday which is really hard. My Papa is being weird and cleaning weird parts of the house.
I bought a piece of cake but forgot candles.
The weather sucks and I had to drive my car.
Still no job.
No new buddies for Eriquita to hang out with.
Alone and bored.
And I need to tell that girl to quit fawning. It's not attractive and he won't change for her.
The sun's coming out now. Thanks...
I wish the library was open and I had internet at my house.
And I wish he would call me so I can send his call to voicemail.

Monterey=Bust?

'Twill not be a good day.
Well, it was okay. But I didn't take a single picture. The weather was this wonky sunny, cloudy and it was very chilly. Not so cool.
I did get to see my wonderful cousin Lexi, though Leanna bailed out. Poop.
And I got to be in the company of the single most annoying girl I have ever met in my life. I was THIS close to smacking her.
Got to wake up to drama this moring over THE DUMBEST shit ever. God, when will it end?
I'm feeling discouraged, annoyed, and depressed. Fuck.
Not a good start. And it's the weather...it's cloudy and cold here in Sunnyvale.
I need to get a job quickly to take my mind off of having nothing to do and no one my own age here that I know.
And I'll have to plan a trip to Monterey all by myself so I can go exploring and jump fences and creep and hide and take pictures of the old army barracks. I didn't get to go this time.
I wish I was back in Portland in my old house. :(
I'm bummed today for sure.

Inspired

I have recently been following Delightfully Tacky and Bleubird here on Blogspot and they make me SO happy. I feel so inspired and like if they can do it, I can do it. I wish I could take photographs, blog, shop, and travel all the time (plus so much more!). Tomorrow I go to Monterey, CA to see my beautiful cousin Lexi. I'll take a million pictures as there are a lot of old army barracks on the campus. SO STOKED. 'Twill be a good day, I can feel it.

Photographs.

My Papa is slightly a horder....but has a beautiful garden. I can dig living here for awhile...

I love Spring.

My Papa's house.

It smells like possibility and heat.

It's so warm out.
The heat bounced off the trees and heated my skin.
The campus of my future studies is beautiful.
Green hills and happy, charming people.
My beautiful Auntie showed me this new town of mine.
I'll make it home soon enough.
Time to find a job.
I found a place to hike.
A place to run until I can't breath.
I'm digging this weather so much.
I haven't been this happy for a month.
The "special boy" called.
He denied sending me to voicemail.
He's gotta be on crack.
I told him I was hurt.
I heard him shrug his shoulders over the phone.
Nothing can ruin this beautiful day for me.
I took more photographs.
I'm going to Monteray on Sunday.

Drops Of Jupiter

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

But tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc&ob=av3el

Yeah, I miss you, but I'm not done looking for myself yet.

I moved to Fremont, CA!

I finally got to Fremont, CA where I am to be living for awhile.
Great driving weather, sunny and cold. Great music, songs from my teenage years.
Cuz that was sooo long ago...
I stopped in Healdsburg which was my first and favorite home away from home. I lived there when I was 18. I love it there so much. It's so quaint. I got a Jamba Juice and some sushi from Safeway and sat in the sun and enjoyed myself for awhile. I wanted to go to the river, but I didn't have time. This summer. Me, bikini, mojitos, and that river. It's a date.
I got lost in Oakland and had to call my mother. It was very pretty little old houses and I knew I was lost as shit. I hate getting lost...I hate getting lost like men hate asking for directions. I finally found the bay and was back on my way.
Got to the house and I guess I hadn't mentally prepared myself. I haven't really been back since my Nana died. I went back for her memorial and again to pack up her things. So utter mental breakdown unsued. My Papa went to the grocery store and I completely lost it. I grew up in that house, every summer since I was born. I remember it a certain way and in my head, it's supposed to be that way. It still smells the same. I called my mother once again and hysterically went off about random things. I think she understood though.
I think my mental anguish was also due to the fact that I got lost and the so called "special boy" wouldn't answer my calls and sent me to voicemail everytime. Over it, seriously.
I don't know what I was thinking coming to a place where I literally know no one but my family here. I have to keep telling myself that it will be okay and I will find a job and do my thing. At least it's sunny and warm. I took pictures of the garden. Made me happy.

So Bloody Fucking Happy Right Now

I'm so happy right now, I might explode.
Dance party last night with DJ BAN ANNA. Music that pulses through your soul and makes you jump and step and want to scream and lay on the floor while waves of sound run through your body.
Saw the boy that is still the only person that can make my heart beat like crazy. I'm so in love still. He helped me down off something high and didn't let go. Magic happened last night. Strong hands and soft, wanting lips. I will miss him something terrible. He was heartbroken that I was leaving again. He said he would visit. I hope with all that I am that he and I will work out again. I think we will. I put on my ring again that he gave me.
I got to see my friend that is the best cuddle-er that I have ever been around. He makes me feel safe. I need good people in my life like that.
It's sunny out and I'm leaving tomorrow for the Bay Area. I'm sad that I'm leaving that special boy behind. But I'll be back. I'll come back better and we shall be together again. It's a good thing here.

My name is Alice.

There was an inchworm on the wall...smoking a hooka.

Totally in love with JohnnysBird

I'm feeling so happy and inspired and I TOTALLY DIG IT. I'm so happy. I've been watching amazing movies and reading amazing photography and fashion/stye blogs all night and I can't wait for tomorrow. I'm ready to unleash creativity.

The Tracey Fragments

I don't like the country. Creeps me out. In the country, dead bodies live in swamps, and ditches, and shallow graves. A man dumps the body of a girl in a ditch. The body rotts; Melts into slime. Flowers pop up where the body lies, seeds fly out of the flowers, and a bee sucks the flowers and makes honey. And then the family of the girl buys the honey from the store. And the family eats the girl.


When a horse falls, foam comes out of its mouth. When it falls, the legs of the horse thrash and the horse is no good... So somebody shoots it. The horse turns into glue. A machine puts the glue into bottles and children squeeze the bottles to get the glue out and stick bits of paper onto cards. Glue gets on the children's hands and the children eat the glue. And the children become the horse.


When things happen to people, they radiate a light. Because they have a picture caught inside them. Because they were there and you weren't. And because you only got a piece. And because all you can do is shrink and blow up that one tiny piece.


He stuck his cock in me and said I love you, in that exact order. Now I'm not afraid to die. 'Cause like birds and bees and bugs, they all die after they fuck.


This is the story of the girl with no tits. Went to my school. No tits. Big dumb moon face.


Look, I'm not what you think. I'm not junk, I'm not a dink. I'm not garbage flowers you leave to rot and stink, and smell, and curl up all dry and papery so they crumble as crusty as the flowers on this fucked up shower curtain.


One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don't. And it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass.


Men buy girls panties. Myra Bernie told me. Girls in school like me. Unpopular girls, girls with big tits, girls with regular tits and girls with no tits at all. The men don't even care. Panties just come out of a machine like chocolate bars. The men take them home and cuddle them like a little kitten. She told me. Myra Bernie. Because her parents heard it at a party. I don't care. I don't even like panties. The word sickens me.

Lost in the InBetween

I don't really have a home.
And when I leave this place, I don't really have a home.
I'm going to be taking up space in someone else's home.
What am I doing.
It makes me very sad thinking that not one place is just for me.
I used to think it was with him.
And maybe it is.
I saw him today and he used to be my whole world...my home included.
My absolute everything.
Maybe that's why I'm lost.
I try to find people that will fill the void.
If my life were a beautiful place,
then all of Paris would be burning.

Done and Done

You didn't pay enough attention to me.
You just couldn't get your shit together.
It's too hard to be here.
You call it running.
Running from you.
So what if I am?
You have a new nasty bitch to plow.
You know you are supposed to do better than your last relationship, right?
Not downgrade...
It makes me sick.
At least when I was with other people...
I was 400 hundred miles away and it wasn't in your face.
Now, we're in the same fucking town again
and the reason you're not hanging out with me
is beacause you're with her.
And the opportunity is there for me to run into you two.
I tried to call you last night cuz I was in some trouble and needed help.
She apparently had your phone and sent me to voicemail after 3 rings.
Fucking cunt.
So you and I are done.
I'm going to split outta here down south and I will never
see you again.
And it's for the best.

A rant.

I'm so good at misbehaving, it should just be my job...

I need to get on my shit and get my ass down to SF. ASAP.

So-called "best friend," you are seriously annoying me and I need to not speak to you for awhile.

I plan on disappearing and not coming back for awhile.

And you, the "not so close friend," GET OVER YOURSELF. You want him? You can have him. But no one can handle him like I can. I don't know if you are trying to prove yourself or what but it's seriously getting old.

And of course, there's you. I wasted my life on you. I came back here to this wretched place and almost did it again. Luckily I caught myself. Without you, I would be so far ahead in life. I would be where I'm supposed to be. Thank you so fucking much. I won't let you steal anymore of my life.

I want to go to raves and wear glittery things and dance until I cannot stand. SF, LA, and Portland, watch out. I'm coming for you.