I dreamed you

I dreamed about you last night
You were kissing me in front of your mother
Like you didn't care
You were still slightly mad at me
But we were on our way to becoming better
Then I woke up
And I was really
Really
Sad

Shards of wanting...

I want to be covered in tattoos and shards of glass.
I want to be deeply tanned and lay in the sun all day.
I want to have money for traveling and new piercings that make a popping noise when they go through your skin.
I want to live in a beautiful apartment overlooking something mind-blowing.
I want to be inspired all the time and take amazing photographs.
I want beer and rum to be cheap.

But all this doesn't matter, beacause what I really want is him.

I want you, handsome man.

But I am just a silly princess brat with silly sparkly dreams.

Wanting something doesn't mean you should get it.

Mind seizures.

I'm trying my hardest not not freak out and run over there at the speed of light.
Because if I see him with her, it will be the end of me.
I want so badly to make this better.
But I can't because he won't call me back.
I've been on the brink of tears all day.
I need to speak with him and see him.
Please god.
Let this turn out.
I know I made some serious, huge, unforgivable mistakes.
But I realize this and I want to make it better.
I am not easy to handle.
I know this.
Men don't know what to do with me.
And I purposefully push people away so I can see who stays for real.
He did.
And not only did he put up with all my shit, he loved me for exactly who I am.
I don't think I'll find that again.
Please let this work out, I'm going to fight for this.
I don't think I've scared him off for real.
Maybe I still have a chance.

Christmas 2010

My sister got a "promise" ring from her boyfriend.
It's a real diamond.
This time last year I actually had a boyfriend.
I can say that I'm slightly jealous and resentful.
I asked him to call me today if he could.
He did.
I don't think he would have if I hadn't asked.
He called from work.
I was happy to hear his voice.
I was sad that we have fallen so far.
I saw him at a party the other night.
I was torn between feeling overwhelmingly sick and sad and compleately nonchalant.
I think I was only okay because Justin was there with me.
This day is full of good memories that make me very sad.
Thus they turn into sad memories.
Please let the new year be better.
My heart can't stand anymore heartbreak.

Broken is a good word for right now.

I feel broken
I did this to myself though
I'm a hypocritical princess brat
And I should have seen this coming
What did I think?
That I could go off and do whatever I wanted and it wouldn't come back around?
He's moved on
I haven't
And that's silly and sad and pathetic
I wonder what's she's like
I feel like crying and dying
In a little ball under my bed
I want to stay in bed forever and never face this again
My heart just shattered
But now I know how it feels
Feels horrible
I did this to myself
But I still feel like I'll never recover from this
I'm a sad princess brat and Prince Charming will never come back again because I was a
C U N T
Go me.

What I Am And What I Do.

Makes a boy wana bite his lip
So young and wasted, I can almost taste it
Beautiful but obsessed with gloom
Bleached
Bones so fair
Glamour is a rocky road
The devil does drugs
It's just the beasts that live under your bed
These legs don't run
Can your bunny do the dog?
Punk candy
Ginger Snapzz
Untamed
Girl ain't nothing but trouble
Rainy day pudding
A fair witch project
Love my bones
My facade is just a cake
Fourteen french summers
Lost my heart to a starship trooper
Pumpkin peach pie fuzz
Hell raiser, star chaser
Miss unamerican
A cupcake, a milkshake, a cool whip
Peachster
Heart of chrome

Waking up for breakfast
Burning matches
Talking quickly
Breaking baubles
Throwing garbage
Drinking soda
Looking happy
Taking pictures
So completely stupid
Just go away

There's no home for you here girl, go away

Obviously you are so insecure and paranoid, you jump to the dumbest conclusions I have ever fucking heard.
The world doesn't revolve around you and everything you want.
Get over yourself, you are no princess.
Go ahead and talk smack if it'll make you feel better!
It just makes you look like a baby.
You must really be insane.
Jesus, this whole thing of bullshit just makes me roll my eyes.
Fucking pathetic.

Goodbye

I'm leaving Portland in 2 days. I can't believe it. I'm more than sad.
7 months in this wonderful, horrible, crazy, exhillerating place.
It's home now and I'm going to bawl like a baby when I leave.
I don't want to go back to Humboldt.
It's the limbo between homes.
I left bad memories and bad people there.
I just want to move onto San Fransisco.
Evan left tonight and I almost cried.
Doose leaves tomorrow morning and I probably will cry.
Thank God, I leave before Tessa and Amy.
I couldn't stand being the last one, going from room to empty room, remembering.
At points I hated being here with all that I am.
But I wouldn't trade all this for the world.
I have met great, inspiring, life changing people.
And I will miss them dearly.
Goodbye home.
I will come back.

Dark shadowed figure

You are the reason I'm scared of the dark
You are the reason that I can't look strangers in the eye
You are the reason I'm "antisocial" and I hide in my room all day
You are the reason that I'm scared to death
of everything
I'm tired of being scared
People like you should be shot
If you ever touch my friends or my baby sister,
I'll kill you with my bare hands
I'll learn to be strong
I'll be okay being scared
But don't fuck up anyone else's life
You have already tried to ruin mine

He's using you again
And you know it,
Deep down in your heart.
Please stop yourself this time.
Your heart can't take much more of this.

Keeping On.

My little cricket friend that I found in my room 4 months ago keeps coming back.
I put him in the laundry room, hoping he will get outside.
But I guess it's cold out there.
He likes my room.
He only has one leg.
When I first found him,
I felt bad.
He was so little.
And only one little weak back springing leg.
I thought he would die.
I was so sad.
He was precious and I didn't want him to die.
But now, his body is huge, not skrawny anymore.
And his once weak little springing leg is big and buff.
He gets around just fine.
His name is Jasper.
The strongest at heart survive.
I'm proud that I still see him around.

OverUsed

My ribs feel broken
My back stretched beyond repair
I breath in and the ache reaches my shoulders
My hips pound
My thighs still shake

Little white pill help me out
Better get on
Making me feel
Numb

Rules are ment to be shattered.

Quiet
my screams
with
your

lips.

Past the borderline of fear...

"She's dead."
"Who?"
"Anna."

My brain stopped and hysteria seeped in.

"No. She can't be."

She had been driving alone through the mountains. They stopped her, they raped her, and they killed her.

They left her in the snow.

I screamed. Tears wouldn't stop, clouding my vision.

My best friend, the one truly positive person in my life. Gone.

I'm hysterical.

No more "Hey gorgeous, I love you." texts in the morning when I wake up...that's what I thought of first.

You think of weird things when your heart is pumping out of your chest.

I held his hand.

He cried and picked up her things.

Put them in a bag.

I woke up in tears.

She's still alive.

I couldn't help thinking that it was a vision.

I'm scared for her.

I called and told her I loved her.

Nightmares...are terrifying.

But what if I'm dreaming now?

What if she really is dead?

The Ice Is Frozen

There was an eerie silence while I walked to my car.
There was no sound, the wind didn't blow.
It was like the whole world was frozen.
A far away crunching noise startled my brain.
A black crow bounced in the white covered grass.
I didn't like it's stare.
"Shoo."
"Fuck you," said it's gaze.
"This is weird," said my brain.
"You're talking to yourself again."
The silence was almost too much to bear, everything sounded muffled and
far away.
I got in my car and turned up the radio.
The world stayed in place.
I didn't want to hear silence anymore.

My brother is a genius and my sister is a beauty.

Sometimes I feel left out.

Made my day...

Anna Vandegriff: I just want you to know how much I love you and that you are an amazing bestfriend/girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!! smile babygirl we are about to have some freaking FUN! :)

New chai tea colored bangs

Conspiracy

I live on Ruby Terrace
I work at Calaroga Terrace

Someone's trying to get me

I know it.

I'm so sad.
I dropped my beautiful, 30 dollar, bright red tweezers in the sink.
The won't tweeze anymore.
I'm feeling fluffy.

Leaves

The wind ripped the bright yellow leaves from their safe haven of the tree up into the sky. Bright yellew was floating and spinning against a dark cloud background.

It was beautiful. I was in Neverland for a moment.

From my kitchen window I see brown and yellow leaves on the same tree. The battle of good and evil.

I want to curl up in the trees, be inside them and feel the raw power of the wind.

The wind can make the baby leaves on the tree by the balcony dance.

The landscapers are blowing leaves into a big pile and taking them away.

I'm mad. I want the deep red and yellow gold leaves to stay on my porch and cement walkway forever.

I know that they will just mold and turn into muck.

But they are so pretty right now.

Mr. man with the rake...leave them alone.

"The Lovely Bones"

"what I remember most is watching things hit my mother while I looked at her, how the life she had wanted and the loss of it reached her in waves. As her firstborn, I thought it was me who took away all those dreams of what she had wanted to be."

Sorry mama.

fantasy: i want what every dutiful california girl wants, some land in the middle of nowhere and a good ol boy. one with calloused hands, who smokes cigarettes, is covered in shitty tattoos, wears work boots and dirty tee shirts, loves buck owens, isnt afraid of manual labor, reads more than he watches TV, and preferably has grimy facial hair. basically he needs to be a 2nd amendment quoting, whiskey pounding, red blooded American heartbreaking son of a bitch who will give any cowboy legend a run for its money and make me regret the day we met.

I makes me really sad to think of you with another girl.

I never brought up my boyfriends here because I didn't want to make you sad.

You don't seem to have a problem talking about her.

I don't want to hear about it.

It makes me sad

and pissed

off

and like I wana vomit.

On her.

I was trying to fill a void with them....they didn't matter.

Maybe you are trying to do the same?

Don't rub it in my face.

It just makes me hate you.

And in a sick

twisted way

I know I can get you back

if I want to.

Easily.

So easily.

I always get what I want in the end.

I loved you

I miss you

I don't know if I want you back because it's you

or because it's the idea of you.

But I'll tell you right now.




She's got nothing on me.

Feist-When I was a young girl

When I was a young girl I used to see pleasure
When I was a young girl I used to drink ale
Out of the ale house, down into the jail house
My body salve-aided and hell is my doom

Come mama come papa and sit you down by me
Come sit you down by me and pity my case
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body salve-aided and hell is my doom

Please send for the preacher to come and pray for me
And send for the doctor to heal all my wounds
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body salve-aided and I'm bound to die

One morning, one morning, one morning in May,
I saw this young lady all wrapped in white linnen
All wrapped in white linnen
and called out "the plague"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yb2w946R16Q

Little Runt.

Please dont let it pop.

Sometimes I feel like this is my life.

I have so many thoughts running through my head.
I have nobody that inspires me.
I'm tired of the drama, and the rudeness, and the pettiness.

I want a cigarette.

I want to be back where I was safe and unhappy. I'm unhappy no matter what, so I'd rather be in a place where I felt safe.
I feel like I'm detramental to my own health.
Lots of old bad habits are resurfacing.

I hate the fucking losers I surround myself with.
I need to regroup and think about the pros and the cons.
Life is utter shit right now
and I don't dig it.

FUCK

What the flying fuck have I done.
I've made so many mistakes but this really takes the cake.
And the worst part is that it took this long to realize.
I hate myself.
I'm stupid.
I need to fix this.

I haven't seen the ocean in five and a half months.
I am not okay.

Samson

Also by Regina Spektor

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p62rfWxs6a8&ob=av2e

Hotel Song

Come in, come in
Come into my world I've got to show
Show show you
Come into my bed
I've got to know
Know know you

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my fool
Will never be my fool

Floaters in my eyes
Wake up in an hotel room
Cigarettes and lies
I am a child, it's too soon

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my fool
Will never be my fool

A little bag of cocaine
A little bag of cocaine
So who's the girl wearing my dress
I figured out her number
Inside a paper napkin
But I don't know her address I wade downstairs

The porter smiles to me a smile
I've bought
With a couple of gold coins
A sign that I've been caught

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my dear
Will never be my dear, dear friend
Dear dear friend, dear dear friend...

A little bag of cocaine
A little bag of cocaine
So who's the girl wearing my dress
I figured out her number
Inside a paper napkin
But I don't know her address

Come in, come in
Come into my world I've got to show
Show show you
Come into my bed
I've got to know
Know know you

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my dear
Will never be my dear, dear friend
Dear dear friend, dear dear friend...



By Regina Spektor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUf4-x0mQmE

I wish he would sing to me....

The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed. There was a loophole in my dreaming,
so I got out of it. And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open.
Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been.
So I dressed myself and left then, out into the gray streets.
But everything seemed different and completely new to me.
The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body.
And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet.
I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.
I said  there is nothing I can do for you
you can't do for yourself."
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope.
That is why I'm singing...
Baby don't worry cause now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying,
I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad,
then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company
through those days so long and black.
And we'll keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve
Of Love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole.
But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall.
Then I think we would see the beauty.
Then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.
I <3 Bright Eyes "Bowl of Oranges"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PADNByfFKD8

I understand, therefore I am: A Pisces Girl

Pisces is the most considerate and compassionate sign out of all the signs of the zodiac. In keeping with those qualities, the Pisces woman is the one who is most willing and able to listen to other people’s problems and, who will offer endless support and comfort.

The Pisces woman’s emotional openness can also become her greatest challenge since the fish swims within the oceans and seas being areas of wide expanses and limitless depths.

The Pisces girl can swim about in an endless sea of emotions with no shore in sight and, as result, can end up absorbing so much emotional energy from her environment that she can become drained of vitality, causing her to withdraw into herself in the manner of a self-imposed exile of solitude.

This is the most mystical of the signs and the Pisces girl is aware that there is an invisible world; as result she can often feel overly burdened by the restrictions and responsibilities of the practical realities of the life in which she lives.

It is not uncommon for some Pisces women to endeavour to overcome the pressures of everyday life through forms of addiction. These girls can be related to the Fish that swim downstream.

The alternative, are the Fish who swim upstream, represented by those Pisces girls who take a path in life that brings them consciously into contact with their deep spiritual nature. 

Her scathing tongue will become loose once in a while only. In case you have found the opposite characteristics profile in a Piscean woman, chances are that she suffered extremely harsh treatment at a very young age and the bitterness will be a result of that trauma only. She has certain subtleness around her and may also become a little deceptive at times. She is not mean; it's just that she feels like keeping certain things to herself only.

Then, the deceptiveness also helps her in keeping you interested in her. A Pisces female is very sentimental and even slightly harsh words can cause her to cry hours at end. You can easily imagine what will happen when you really hurt her feelings. She may imagine herself to totally worthless and incapable of the fighting spirit to survive. Then, you will have to assure her that she is appreciated for her great wisdom, empathy and vast understanding. You know that whatever you are saying is true; it's just a matter of convincing her about the same.

You will have to remove her doubts about herself or she may become too closeted in self-defense. A Pisces girl is very shy, emotional and vulnerable. To protect her susceptibility, she often wears a cloak of wittiness, frigidity and independence. She is afraid of exposing her true self, lest people hurt her in the process. She is a true romantic and secretly yearns for a person who will love her, cuddle her, hug her and make her feel loved and protected.

 A Pisces woman nags just like all the other women and she has a bad temper too. In her fury, she can turn bitterly sarcastic.

Me almost to a T.

All Saints Day.

Sometimes you gotta pray to somebody....even if you believe that they aren't really there...

Saint Zita of Lucca-patron saint of domestic workers.
Saint Maximilian Mary Kolbe-patron saint of addicts.
Saint Monica-patron saint of alcoholics.
Saint Anthony of Padua-patron saint of lost items.
Saint David of Wales-patron saint of Wales.
Saint Christopher-patron saint of travel.

Today is a pissed off kinda day...

You think you're a big man yelling at me over the phone?
You are fucking precious.
You think you can get the last word in, the last laugh?
You don't know me very well then.
I want to hit somebody
and make them bleed.
I like confrontation today.
So please

come up and fucking
say something.
It'll make my day.

All. Hallows. Eve.

Halloween makes me feel dangerous.
And sexy
and naughty
and
really
fucking
cool.
There is something in the air that is evil and mysterious and treacherous and beautiful.
I want to tip my head back and take in the moon.
So hats off to the ghosts and demons and to the souls that won't move on...
It's gonna be a hell of a night.

Seattle

I want to go to Seattle and not come back. I'll disappear into the grunge scene and go be someone important in my own head.

I'll have great stories to tell someone someday.

Maybe being nobody will make me somebody.

When your daddy makes fun of your life and can't help you fix it

You know you have fallen pretty far

The tears won't stop

Twin

I miss my twin.
I hope she is ok.

Love

Lovelovelove
ThankyouThankyouThankyou.

Those things you said were so mean and uncalled for and cruel.
What did I ever do to you?
But hey... guess what? I'm glad we are not friends anymore.
I don't want a person like you in my life at all.
You disgust me.
You gave me anxiety and made me feel so sad.
Fuck off.
You know nothing about what you speak off.
Nothing at all.
God, you are a dumb thing....
Kiss. My. Ass.

Love, E

Friends and Enemies.

I love the crickets that live in my room.
They are precious.
They spring and jump all over the floor.
They look like little babies.
I don't mind if I find them in my bed.

The spiders get killed though.
They're gross.

How to be alone...

I like walking the streets all by myself.
I like walking through the crowds in the market-place and not having to turn and wait for someone.
I like walking as far or as little as I want.
I like sitting in the bookstore for hours.
I like drinking tea in the diner.
I like sitting in the coffee shop and reading a book as long as I want.

I've mastered being alone...now you try.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

Today made me happy.

Sometimes everyone needs a day off. And after two weeks of running running running...
I got my day off.
I woke up at eleven to the phone ringing upstairs. Outside was sunny and cloudy and chilly.

"It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life."
- P. D. James

 

Yum.
She looks at the man and she--and she says,
"Where are we going?" and he looks at her and he says,
"We're going to a party, it--it's a birthday party.
It's your birthday party, happy birthday darling.
We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much."
And then, uh, he starts humming this little tune and--and, uh, it kind of goes like this,

I made mac and cheese and a big cup of tea and sat on the couch and read fmylife.com and read a book
that I am in love with.
I made more tea.
My roommate asked me if I had to go to work.
Nope.
Plans?
Nope.
Work ended up calling.
I ignored the call.
Sorry guys.
I work too much as it is.

And to the face of every criminal strapped firmly to a chair
We must stare, we must stare, we must stare.
I made my brother's birthday card. I drew a picture of Portland.
I can't draw.
He'll still like it.
I went to lunch with my best buddy. He said I looked happy.
I ate a rice crispy and a bubbly drink at my favorite restaurant.
The leaves outside are red and orange and yellow.
This city in the fall is perfection.

"The Indian Summer, the dead Summer's soul." - Mary Clemmer

 

My friend printed out my resume and gave me a copy.
I gave it to the sushi place down the street...so I can work more.
Oh well.
I came home and made another birthday card.
I wonder if I should send it...I miss his handsome face.

While my mother waters plants, my father loads his gun.
He says, "Death will give us back to God,
just like the setting sun
is returned to the lonesome ocean."
I have to walk up to the post box and send them off now.
Today was crisp and clean and wonderful.

I'm happy just because
I found out I am really no one.

Oh, and Bright Eyes rocks my entire world over and over again....

I'm just fine on my own.

So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine.

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning.
There’s no one here to save.

I heart this.

This is my favorite song. It makes my heart swell all big and happy like. "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes.

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwFS69nA-1w

I wait for you,
knowing that you won't really come
like you promised.
You and I used to be Peter Pan and Wendy.
I think we're far too old
for that now.
Even in the stories,
the Pan grew up.

This video used to make me cry when I was little. So much passion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKT1P7x_Pzo

I want to be a mix of Courtney Love and Edie Sedgwick.
They were/are so unafraid and rebellious in their own ways.
Not giving
a flying fuck
must be
kinda
fun.


I could dig that.

I need to get my own place.
These people are fake and I hate living here.
They are so full of shit.

I looked at my old year books today. It's hard to believe that high school was almost three years ago...weird.
They used to make me sad when I looked at them, I would miss the old days and old friends too much.
Now all I see is how far I've come and I see who was important enough to stay in my life after school.
Only a handful, but they are the ones that count.
Hell, I'm living with my best friend from freshman year.
In a way, it doesn kinda make me sad. But not really sad. It's bittersweet.
The people that are here now are here for a reason.
It feels good to be where I am.

Silly little girl

I hate always blurting out what I'm thinking onto a page or into the air.
I don't always think things through.
Dear last post,
I hate you.
You make me seem silly and overly-emotional and like a 15 year old that hates their life.
Dumb. You make me feel dumb.
Go die.
Love, E
Maybe one day I will learn censorship.
Probably not.

Sometimes I pray that beautiful things will happen so I don't have to cry anymore.

I don't like the fact that you are in my house.
It makes me feel like thunder clouds are in my chest.

I decided to walk.
Sometimes I need to walk.
I waved at the man in the car for letting me use the crosswalk.
The light was red and he couldn't have gone anyways, but I thanked him all the same.
I got lost in the maze of roads.
The air smelled like roses and sweat was already forming on my skin.
I wish it was this weather all the time.
Sun, with a cool sharp crispness that only means fall.
The leaves were crunchy on the ground.
The park was empty.
The grass was wet and I felt nostalgia for a place that I didn't grow up in.
I guess any kind of park equals childhood memories.
The swings still make me feel like I can fly.
The round-about was wet and squeaked when it moved.
I sat on it and let it squeak.
Round and round the world blurred.
I sat on top of the picnic bench and thought about bread and tea.
A man came with his dog.
He threw a stick.
The dog yapped with excitement.
Bark bark so excited so excited.
I waved at him and he waved back at me.
I wished that I could stay out there forever and die on the bench.

When it was good...

When it was good we would stay in bed all day. We would read books about other worlds and lives and you would pet my head. We would kiss for hours until our lips hurt and swelled. You would whisper in my ear tales about sand and bullets and I would rub your back, trying to make the nightmares go away. We would lie on top of cool sheets, sweating in the heat.

When it was good you would dance with me. We would drink HoneyMoon and vodka until the world blurred. You would pull me close and I could feel the dampness through your shirt and we would sway to the beat. You would wink at me and I would literally melt. Your hand at my waist made my skin burn.

When it was good you would sing to me. My heart would constrict because I was so happy to hear you sing.

Sometimes I wish that you were you again. I wish you would talk to me and hold my hand again.

Something went terribly wrong and got broken while it was good.

You Won't Give Me Siberia

I wish it so badly to be true. I beg from my very soul.
Please let him want me. And not just want me, but need me.
I look at him and see perfection, everything I want.
But I know he won't give me Siberia.
He won't give me furs and snow storms and tigers.
He will try, and say that he wants to, but his heart isn't there.
I cry tears of frustration over broken promises.
I'm tired.
I want to sleep in a tent lined with lanterns while the wind howls in the outside world.
But he won't give me Siberia.
I'm falling
head
over
heels,
but he can't
take me away.
I'll have to wait for Siberia.

Drift, Glide, Hover, Soar

 Sometimes I float. I feel the base in my chest, bumping against my heart. It makes it hard to breathe. I choke, but the electricicty keeps coursing through me. People surge against me, pulsating. I want to scream. Not from anger or pain, but from the sheer brutality of it all. The drums make the scene before me flutter and buckle. I tip my head back and feel the beat almost knock me off my feet, it's so deep in my chest. It's still hard to breathe. What makes it into my lungs smells like sweat and vigor and viciousness. I want to float to the ceiling and sit in the cobwebs and choke on the air with the spiders. We'll learn to live with the base knocking against our hearts together.

 Sometimes I float. Angry glares, a stare-down. Anxiety and adrenaline tearing through my viens. It hurts. Streaks of white shirts and peach ice cream swirl past me. I want to lay on the glass-topped tables and throw salt shakers at them, while letting the surface cool my cheek.

 Sometimes I float. Big brother lets me cry. Sweet, twisted, ruined tears of sadness and happiness. Gin is warming and patting and petting my belly on the inside, like big brother is petting my head and whispering humane and pretty things in my ear. I don't want to be touched but I desparately need to be. Dark curtains pull over my eyes and the rollercoaster in my head begins. I wish I was on the boardwalk in Santa Cruz, watching the sky light up with electricity, rough boards under my head. They are coarse and jagged and stepped on by a million feet. That's what my brain feels like. Big brother shakes me awake.

 Sometimes I float. Cobalt sees cobalt. An echo of vision. We're the same. You kiss my mouth and I trip into another world. Cool sheets and humid blankets bind me close to you. "I think we can make each other really happy." Those words hum in my ear, getting me drunk. I want to be in Siberia with you. We'll stay under blankets and furs all day and let the wind scream at us. We won't be bothered by it. Potatoes and stroganov will make us fat and make the tigers jealous that they can't eat us. Your hand on my face brings me back. My body warms and sparks at your touch. I pet chest hair. You beam at me. You smell like warm bread and protection. Your gaze makes me feel beautiful. We slip into sheets and snow and tigers of Siberia.

 Sometimes I float. I lay my head back and all I see is sky. Raw power and urgency and pain are running through the clouds. I whimper. I wish I was in the soaking grass, feeling wetness seep into my soul. The rain comes quickly, clutching a timepiece, late as always. I want to be in it as it hurtles to earth, I want to be damp and soaked and moist and exquisite in it. I want it to hurt me and love me and make me feel alive. My brian swells and seeps ideas and thoughts onto the floor. I lay my head back and all I see is sky. Sky and sky and sky. And I want to float in it.

Shut up your happiness.
I don't want to hear you laugh and giggle and smile.
I can hear you smile.
I can fucking hear you smile.
I hate it
because that is what I should be doing.
You stole happiness from me.
You won't give it back.
And it's not fair.
Shut up shut up shut up.
I can see your happiness
I can feel it
I can hear it
I breathe it
It tastes like champagne.
What you have done
has ruined my soul
and made it dirty
and dark
and it smells like rot.
I hate you and your happiness.
You took mine and made it yours.

My feet were hurting.
The air smelled like home. Home is a long ways away.
It smelled like home.
The leaves were yellow. They were beautiful.
I walked by the water. The water was a long ways down.
I was so happy.
The cigarette tasted like anxiety.
I love fall.